“Why did you get married?”
“Reasons. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but… for different reasons.”
“Okay.”
“What about you? Would you ever get married?”
“No.”
“Why?”
I remember smirking and cutting eye contact. “Because I will always leave.”
I have nothing better to do than look up the meaning of blue and yellow. I mean, I got so many interpretations, that I love the general meaning of it; how they compliment one another and rely on each other. I’m listening to my favorite Something Corporate song and just listening and hearing it from him as well, brings it more to light. I’m also thinking of another tattoo idea regarding those colors, but I’m holding off on that for when I meet my significant other. I know for a fact when I find the one I truly love, I’ll present them with the idea. I’m wondering how special they must be as well because this is something that will mean more than any other tattoo that I will get. Even more meaningful than the one I have now. I’m getting a tad impatient, but I’ll still wait. I have major trust issues, so I’m wondering who’d be the one to break that barrier.
I’m also spending my summer in England next year. This time, it’s a for sure thing though. I have my cousin in on it and we’re just going to spend a few months there, traveling abroad. I know it’s exactly what I need to get back on track, to bring back a little faith and hope, and hopefully, a bit more patience. My parents are definitely in on it, too, and I’m glad they are only sending me and my cousin. My mom said that I’m needing to let go of my baggage and that this trip is something that will kick me back in gear. I want to go back to being excited. Lately, it’s been feeling like England was getting farther and farther away from me, so for me to just show up stress-free and going just to purely have fun, means the world to me. I know I’m going to love it, I can feel it. I think I’ll be in my truest happiest state when I actually live there though. I want to have my own life there, pay my own bills, travel alone, meet someone new and just have fun.
My room’s almost done. My dad is really lagging it when it comes to measuring and taping the wall for me to paint over it hahaha, but it’s looking AMAZING.
This is all I have in mind at the moment. But I’m always thinking. And my thoughts race, never giving me enough time to actually sort them and write them down in a manner for them to make sense. I try my best. It doesn’t matter though, a few years down the line, when I’m re-reading this blog, I’ll remember exactly how I was feeling with each post this blog has.
Loved my 20th birthday. 21st should be even better.
Also found this amazing bar that has imported beer from all over the world. English beer, I WILL GET USED TO YOU.
I miss my brown hair.
Being blonde… it’s not me, obviously. I’m always looking for change in the wrong places. I wish someone was here to give me at least a sense of direction on where I should go or what to do.
I’m always in a battle with myself.
I don’t know what I’m thinking half the time. I sit in the kitchen while my parents are joking around, my mom is cooking, my brother complaining about something, Roxy and Chloe playing with birds outside, and I’m just there looking at them and thinking “I’ll be leaving this.” This is my family, the one who made me who I am. Who’s yelled and laughed and helped me back up when I fell countless times. My support system.
And my friends. Adri. Danny. I don’t want to lose them. They are the family I chose. They keep my secrets, and they bring me back from the rush of things I get myself into. They know me, they know what I’m thinking. And I don’t want to lose them. What happens after I leave? Do they… move on? Do I start from scratch with my new found “family” I find over in England? Will they just be a memory? A ghost from my mind?
But at the same time. I find the thrill in knowing that I’ll be moving to a place where literally no one knows me. I’ll be the girl who never had a boyfriend. I’ll be the girl who’s not broken. The girl who just upped and left. The girl who will be happy living life, away from the past, away from everything. The girl who never left home, had a taste of the harsh reality of life. The girl who never lost her innocence. The catch is that the past made me though. The past is my drive to get out of here, isn’t that funny?
Adri doesn’t understand.
Danny doesn’t understand.
No one understands.
